Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
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[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers