Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
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[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore