“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
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my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”