[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
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Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy