VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
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I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
A flock of dads is called a grill.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Owl Sanctuary
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.