If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
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wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.