This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
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Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.