Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
You Might Also Like
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Meanwhile in Portland…
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Stop sending me this shit.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball