[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
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Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
translated into Canadian
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.