[being buried alive] you missed a spot
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Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.