“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
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The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing