i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
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[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Birds & Planes.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy