Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
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me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
work smarter, not harder
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”