It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
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ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff