Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
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I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
the greatest twitter interaction
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Ferrari squats
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”