Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
You Might Also Like
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
These are too funny not to post 😂
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.