I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
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Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.