Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
You Might Also Like
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.