*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
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it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[eats all your cotton candy]
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night