{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
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As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
my dad has had enough
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married