If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
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“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.