We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
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(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
That’s enough internet for the day
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Ron is short for Aaronald
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.