You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
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Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Feels
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.