Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
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I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Wednesday
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.