Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
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So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Pot warmers of the day.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.