My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I’m putting together a team
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
More like Kate Missington.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it