King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
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[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.