[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
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NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time