When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
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Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
who wore it better?
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d