Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
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Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.