“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
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Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.