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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.