The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
You Might Also Like
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.