I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt