Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
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*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately