transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
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I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”