Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
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people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No