mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
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He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
going to the ER y’all need anything
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it