wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
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Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.