dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
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Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…