I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
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It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
This classic never gets old . . .
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Aight bet
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*