Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
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What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Always leave them wanting their money back.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*