Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
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Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Had an epiphany today.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.