My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
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Sell your car
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?