Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
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Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
The honesty is refreshing
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant