*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
You Might Also Like
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
pat pat
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Love this one 😂🧟
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.