Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
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I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
mmm onion ringos
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that