[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
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Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.