When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
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me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”