cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
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Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout